Newborn Sleep CAN Happen: How I helped my daughter learn to self-soothe.

10487182_10203763406777975_5428785870809281767_nSome babies respond just fine to rocking or nursing to sleep. Then there are the babies that you help into a floppy, blissful state of sleep and set them down ever so carefully only to have them WAKE UP the second their little bodies touch their bed, leaving you in frustrated tears. That was the story with both of my children. With my son, we suffered through four sleep-deprived, tear-filled months (him and us) before making some changes. With my new daughter, I wanted to avoid creating parent-led associations that hindered my son’s sleep and instead, give her the confidence to trust her own body.  Lisa Sunbury, who was a great support, reminded me that Magda Gerber often said to “start as you wish to continue.” That was exactly what I was trying to achieve: long-lasting habits, right from the start. Newborn sleep CAN happen, and it can happen respectfully.

Getting To Know Her

With my son, I was so stressed about his crying that I tried everything to just get the tears to stop, without actually listening to what he was telling me. In contrast, with my new baby, I did not immediately try at all costs to make the crying stop, but rather approached the tears in a calmer and more intuitive way. When she cried, I held her and told her I was trying to understand what she needed. Instead of trying to shut her down, I spent my energy listening to her tears and learning about what they meant. As a result, I found that I bonded with her sooner than I did with my son, because I had viewed my son as an infant in distress, and anxiety about my failure to stop his tears clouded our bond; with my daughter, I understood that her crying was communication and that it didn’t threaten her attachment to me.

Preparing the Day for Sleep

Babies are so easily overstimulated. Anything from a lamp to the sound of a passing car can be too much for some. Try to keep your baby in an area that has low lighting and minimal sounds. When feeding or changing, move slowly and use a gentle voice. It can be challenging to provide the optimal setting for a newborn 100% of the time, but you can do the best you are able. It’s also important that you let your baby release their frustrations, kind of like a friend that needs to cry on your shoulder at the end of a hard day. Being a newborn is so emotionally exhausting with the huge amount of newness in every little thing they experience; so everyday for them is a long, hard day. With my baby, I would snuggle up with her and let her cry out all of her frustrations. As soon as she was done, she would finally relax in my arms, ready for peaceful sleep.

Falling Asleep with Mama*

I wanted to avoid giving my daughter the habits that had made my son’s sleep so hard. I made sure to nurse her while she was awake and to avoid rocking, bouncing, or wearing her to sleep. Once I learned my daughter’s tired signs, I would go to her calm sleeping place, hold her, and allow her to fuss if she needed. I would not try to MAKE her sleep; instead, I gave her a quiet and peaceful space where she could fall asleep easily. She could snuggle in my arms and cry out her tensions, and then drift off to sleep. For the first week or so, we co-slept because I was recovering from birth and in bed most of the time anyway.

Once my daughter was used to falling asleep in my arms easily, I began putting her next to me. I would lay my hand on her while she fussed or cried to sleep. Gradually, I started moving my hand away and just watching her while she fell asleep. Eventually, this made for a lovely situation where she would coo and try to smile before falling asleep. She was learning that sleep was a wonderful thing and that it was in her power to drift off as she liked. She was learning to trust her body. This step worked for us because I was still in bed most of the time and slept with her.

*This would be a step you can skip if you don’t want to co-sleep.

Supported Self-Soothing

Once I was recovered a bit and ready to re-enter my daily life, it was time for her to sleep on her own in the co-sleeper. When my daughter was drowsy, I would put her down in her bed and sit by her. I would rub her head and say soothing things as she drifted off. Sometimes she cried, and sometimes she simply closed her eyes and fell asleep. Once she was calmer about her bed, I started putting her down without physical soothing, just singing to her until she fell asleep so she knew I was still there.

She would fuss a bit while she worked on finding her own methods to soothe. It took some practice, but eventually she learned to put her fingers in her mouth for comfort. After she made this discovery, I would just lie in my bed while she fell asleep, helping only if her fussing turned into full-on-crying. If, at any point, she got very upset in a way that did not sound like a tired cry, I would help her by starting with minimal support (singing or stroking) and then eventually picking her up and holding her for a bit before trying again.

Trusting Her Self-Moderation

I still don’t try to force sleep on my baby. If she is genuinely having trouble settling, I trust that she’s telling me that she’s not tired yet and bring her out to play until a bit later. She has gained the confidence to fall asleep on her own and knows that I respond to her if she needs me. This means that some days she sleeps less, and some days more. At this point, I can put her in her bed, kiss her sweet head, and walk away. Sometimes she fusses a bit before finding her thumb and soothing herself to sleep, but most of the time she smiles as I lay her in her bed. She loves sleep and loves her bed; it’s a comforting place for her. Sleep has never been something that must happen to her, but something wonderful that she gets to give herself.

Coping with Setbacks

Of course, although my daughter can now fall asleep without my help, we still have setbacks and fussy or troubled sleep times. My daughter still wakes 1-2 times a night for a feeding, and sometimes she needs more snuggles when she’s teething or going through a milestone. What helps is making more time during the day to see where the real challenge is coming from and then supporting that. For instance, she’s working on crawling now so I’ve been giving her ample opportunities to practice. The biggest help during setbacks will be this kind of observation and adjustment to her daily routine. They are always changing their needs and often times troubled sleep is the first indicator that minor changes might need to happen to their day.

There is no magical solution that eliminates all night wakings for any child. Even when they CAN fall asleep on their own and soothe themselves to sleep, they will still need us often over their early years as they go through milestones, developmental leaps, illness and other stressful events. Helping my children with their confidence to fall asleep without parent-led associations is not just for me and my sleep (though a well-rested mother is important) but it’s for their own well being as well.

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The Gift of Sleep Stories: A Respectful Follow-up to my Post on Sleep Learning.

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“Do what you feel in your heart to be right – for you’ll be criticized anyway.” 
― Eleanor Roosevelt

My most recent post about my respectful sleep learning journey has received more attention than any other post I have written. Good attention as well as some scary attention. At first I was tempted to run in fear and close down my Facebook page and blog as conflict makes me nervous, but after reading the good comments again I remembered why I wrote this post in the first place: to help mothers! I had a greater number of mothers who were THANKING me for sharing my story. Excellent! That was exactly what I was hoping for. I was hoping that by sharing my story mothers could feel free to share their own and all of us ‘sleep-training’ moms could have some support for this against-the-grain choice.

My secondary hope was to show that this type of sleep work with babies is often misunderstood. People imagine that we put our babies in bed and then walk away for hours refusing any help, food, soothing, and love of any kind. I know many mothers who have sleep trained and have never heard of such a thing. I don’t call this CIO because it’s not at all. We followed a method in the beginning and then adjusted as we listened and learned more about our son and his different cries. Once we learned to listen, our reactions changed to fit his needs. Most of the negetive comments were about mis-informed mothers who were fearful of crying infants. I think this is the heart of the matter; we all have different views on crying. I believe that crying is not as big of a deal as some of us think. It was this mis-information and fear-mongering about crying that actually stopped me from listening to my instincts about my son in the first place.  It’s very important that that is heard so I’ll say it again: fear-mongering about crying actually stopped me from listening to my own instincts. Once I tuned out this mis-information I finally knew what my son really needed: sleep. He needed sleep and I was getting in the way with all of the interventions he did not want or need. When he cried before sleeping, he was simply expressing that he didn’t like the change. He adjusted in 3 days and that showed us that this was what he needed. To those who fear crying and want to judge my journey I will say this: after the third night of sleep training my son cried far less during the day and the night than he had in his sleep deprived state. We went from literally 8-10 hours a day of crying, fussing and screaming to under 2 hours which is more in the norm for his age at the time! What a better confirmation than that!

What I mostly got from the many, many varied comments was that there are so many moms with stories they wanted to share. Moms that felt safe that I had opened up in a world where ‘babies-crying-to-sleep’ is a very taboo phrase. There were also a few mothers that were SO grateful for my story as it helped confirm their own instincts  So I want to share some of those stories with you now.  I want to be clear that I am not suggesting that this is a course of action for you. I’m ALL for co-sleeping (read my post about it) and Attachment Parenting (read that post here.) it’s just that babies and mothers are different and we all must choose what is right for our family life. My hope is simply to increase the support for mothers who do choose this path. I am suggesting that if you choose to do something like this that you talk to your baby about it then LISTEN. Really try and objectively listen as they will tell you so much more than you can imagine. Their cries are not just problems to be fixed; they are stories that they want you to hear. There will always be those who judge, so hopefully you can tune out those fearful voices and listen to you own. As Janet Lansbury so eloquently put, “Trust your babies and trust yourselves.”

Supportive Sleep Stories:

~”Thank you for sharing your journey. This is such a hot topic and it can be hard to open up to others about it, I find. I did not sleep train my first daughter until she was over 3 years old because of all the worry of trauma I would do to her. Now I realize what a disservice I did by sticking a boob in her mouth every time she cried rather than listening to her and helping her to learn to sleep. Now with our second daughter, I am doing things differently, but old habits die hard! I really like how you laid out what you did with your son at what age. Though I know our journey will be unique, it’s helpful to see the guide-posts of others who’ve traveled ahead. :)”

~”You have no idea how happy I am to read this. I did sleep training with my son. He began sleeping like a champ. He would wake up elated every.single.morning. I felt fantastic! But then I read these articles about CIO. It began to stress me out, and I was so angry at myself for not having researched this more. I worried whether I damaged my little guy. THANK YOU for posting this.”

~”Sleep Training was an integral piece of my recovery from PPD. I too had horrible insomnia and was completely incapable of falling back asleep after my son woke me during the night. My life and family was falling apart due to the insanity brought on by self deprivation. I was so out of it that I didn’t feel comfortable driving for fear of harming myself and my passengers. We were ALL better off after the family started sleeping through the night.”

~”Thanks for sharing your story on this controversial topic- I agree wholeheartedly, my son was sleep-trained at 4ish months and it made such a huge difference in his demeanor during the day- he was so much happier, and napped so much better! (my non-scientific opinion is that if true damage was done, he wouldn’t be smiling more, ya know?), and my second-born has been a dream sleeper since the beginning- pulling 8 hrs at 3 wks old with no effort on my part. But future children will be taught to sleep, and our family will be happier for the effort. Thanks for being brave and taking the flak that will come for sharing your story!”

~”When my daughter was first born we tried to do co-sleeping. Soon into it, it became clear this wasn’t for us. My husband resorted to sleeping in the guest room and baby L was up every few hours. So we made the decision to move her to her crib at one month. She immediately slept better, but I still had a terrible time getting her down for naps etc. So in desperation I went to my doctor because I thought she had reflux or something. The doctor’s advice? “Let her cry.” I wasn’t sure what to think after reading forums online where mothers said anyone who let’s their baby cry is doing irreparable damage, but I felt in my gut this is what we should do. Turns out a little crying before bed is exactly what she needed. She cried (fussed really) for ten minutes and was out. And slept for 11 hours. And has slept 11 hours or more every night since. Naps are a breeze now too. She will fuss for 5-10 minutes prior to 1-2 naps a day. Otherwise she goes down without a sound. It’s her “normal.” She’s an incredibly independent baby and if I try to rock her or go in to soothe her, she just gets angrier. She really wants to be left alone to work it out. Everyone marvels over what a happy baby she is. She is content to play on her own for an hour or more. She never cries other than before sleeping. And greets us with giant smiles when she wakes up. Even more important … I am well-rested and able to enjoy motherhood!”

~”This sounds quite familiar. Quite. Familiar. I could have written it (but you are far more eloquent) We still “work the program” as we call it at 15 months, putting her down in her own space, after a certain bedtime routine, at a certain time with black out curtains and white noise and occasionally if we try to push our luck and keep her out past her bedtime it takes her a few minutes to “work it out” but for 99% of the time she is quiet as a bug when we lay her down. We still might wake up a couple of times with some extra cuddles and rocking when she is teething/sick/traveling but with “the program” we have any issues usually work themselves out within a few days.”

~ “Yes, thank you for sharing your experience. We had a very similar situation in our house (my daughter was waking every 1.5 hours and I thought I was losing my mind), and it took a huge toll on her, myself and my husband. We too decided at four months to sleep train her. By the third night, she feel asleep in 5 minutes, and our lives (all of our lives) were forever changed as everyone was finally getting the sleep they needed. Change is hard for everyone, and no-one that loves their child wants to hear them cry. But we too believed that good sleep was as essential to our daughter as good nutrition and we realized that we were getting in the way of her good sleep. She is now a well rested, very happy, well adjusted toddler (and I do think a HUGE part of that is b/c she’s not tired and can better regulate her emotions). In any event, thank you, as I too have had people criticize us for what we did, but ultimately I truly believe it was what was best for her (I would never have done it otherwise), and I wish more people understood what a struggle it is to come to that conclusion, do what you honestly believe is best, and then have people tell you you are cruel. If we don’t arm our children with the stills to obtain their needs (and in fact continue to get in the way of their needs, if that is what we have concluded we are doing) then what are we accomplishing as parents? My mother always said, you raise your children to leave you. In otherwords, your job as a parent is to arm you children with the skills necessary to be successful in life without you around every second. This for us, was the first test of that reality. Thank you, again, and I applaud you for doing what I know is so very hard. I know for us, it remains one of the hardest things we’ve ever done. And sleep well.”

~”I did this with my son as well and it worked. Just like their situation both baby and I were miserable because neither of us were getting good sleep. We were also nursing every hour and co-sleeping. I moved him into his own room with white noise and soothing music. It took us 2 nights and ever since then he has slept 11-12 hours straight every night. I have no regrets and if I have a second child I will do it again if necessary. Unlike the author of this post my son doesn’t cry to sleep at all anymore. I do still rock him to sleep and when I put him down in his crib he rolls over and snuggles in for the night. When he wakes he coos or ‘sings’. But no more crying at all.”
~”I’ve been there and done the exact same thing  Thanks for sharing it in such a beautiful way, Sydney.”

~”I was left with my newborn only 21 days old and had no help. My family is no where near and my fiance’s work forced him to travel to Korea. In that instance my son was getting the worst of me and he wasn’t thriving either. Now, after the sleep training he is happy, healthy, well adjusted and rested.”

~Sydney thank you for sharing your sleep story. Its such a huge deal for us as mums and in my case became an all consuming and miserable nightmare, being up every 2 hours rocking my 10 month old to sleep because I was worried about the effects of crying and the vitriol on the Internet about CIO. The thing is, he cried a lot. Every time he woke up, until I had rocked him back to sleep. During the day he cried because he was overtired. I cried a lot as well. It was ridiculous and once I finally made the decision to stop all sleep props and let him sleep without needing me we had rapid success. I was hindering him, and not being respectful in allowing him the ability to put himself to sleep which is what he needed. Go you for working at giving your baby this gift of independant sleep at a young age and recognizing your own limits!”

~”What a brilliant point about not letting him CIO but respecting his cries. We struggled with 1-3hrly waking for 18 months and through a similar process are now enjoying 11ish solid hours of sleep. More importantly, we have a happier, more attached little boy. He knows we will go to him if he needs us but that we respect him enough to allow the space to settle alone. It is the greatest thing we’ve ever done and it was a joy reading this article and hearing another mums perspective. Thank you.”

~”My eldest was the same we used the same method- when you can distinguish between cries. My middle child always went to sleep awake from 8 weeks and happily went to sleep, my youngest at 4 weeks (sleeping in our room) currently needs winding down to sleep as he is so alert- and right now has a blanket draped over his head to assist while I hold him or sling him. Each child is different. And what works for one mightn’t work for another.

~”I applaud this mother for recognizing that she was unable to continue healthy parenting with the continuous night waking/night feeding. I really want to stress here that every person is different. There are Moms who can wake up/nurse all night long, and seem to be totally fine and jolly the next day. I was not one of them. I was like this mother. At 9 mos. I had not slept more than 2 hours in a row since labor…Our son was absolutely CLUELESS about “how” to sleep. I was on the brink of a nervous breakdown. Now who does that serve to continue if that is how I was feeling? Would my son have been better off if I was hospitalized? Was I just a weak human who never should have had a baby in the first place? We did “sleep teaching” at 9 mos. and it was the best thing for him and us. He is 24 now and he was not “damaged” by it whatsoever. Everything transformed after that — and for the better. I began to heal physically & mentally, he was not fussy and out of sorts every day. He started taking wonderful daily naps so we could actually take outings the next day and do fun things together. It was like a darkness lifted and we let the light in. I’m a Chinese Medicine Practitioner and I cannot emphasize enough how important the yin time is — night…Quiet, sleep, restoration. We need this for the yang time — day….Active, awake, creating. I saw this as a health issue for me and our baby. I am NOT a supporter of letting a newborn cry it out — not at all. But at some point for many of us there comes a breaking point, and we have to honor and respect that we have reached it and do what is right for our health and wellbeing. Please, please don’t judge or call me a bad, “mean” mother. The way we did it was very similar to this family’s version. There was some crying, yes, but we talked to our son every step of the way, comforted him, shed our own tears when he cried, and ultimately triumphed in creating a sleep schedule that kept everybody happy, healthy, and sane!”

~”I can relate to this story and went through a similar process. I found The Sleep Easy Solution (sleepyplanet.com) to be better than both books mentioned in this piece, it brings all of the scientific information together, addresses the emotions of babies and parents and gives you a clear way to make a plan. Friends have found it helpful too. Sydney is generous to share her story, thanks for sharing.”

~”This was very similar to how we sleep trained (I prefer sleep aided) our first son. Our second son has been harder work as he is much more vocal and I feel that he is more needy. However my first born, who slept through the night at 5 weeks is now a terrible night sleeper. We’ve gone through lots of changes in our life recently though and we will be moving into a new house this month (so more change) but this post has reminded me that I am not being a horrible mother by thinking that both mum and dad NEED sleep as much as the boys! I am a monster without sleep and everything else falls by the way side if I am not rested. Once we are settled in our new home I will be applying some sleep aiding techniques for both my boys. Thank you for the read and the reminder. On another note Sydney, thank you for being courageous and sharing this. I wish people would appreciate each other and everyone’s life experience more than they do. We are all different and that is what makes the world go round. You are making the world go round Sydney.”

~ “Sydney – I did the same thing with my daughter after trying everything else co-sleeping, rocking – yes, everything, and it was the only thing that worked! AND you know what, I’d do it again! So people can be as judgy as they like. My daughter is a happy, healthy child who doesn’t feel abandoned or unloved.

Don’t agree? That’s okay! Here are some great comments that I felt created a great space for respect during disagreement.

~”Thank you Janet for creating this space to share and learn. And to every parent who is honest and vulnerable enough to share. It takes courage to speak our truths, especially in a social media forum. We are in the thick of a nap strike all day long with our 10 month old, though he sleeps beautifully at night, so I was curious about this article. Although after reading the comments, I’m inspired to share about the comments themselves. What I like most about conversations and online communities like this one, is the large variety of experiences and stories. I respect that we, as parents, connect to certain philosophies or methods that resonate with us. Let’s also remember that our own inner wisdom might be the best handbook of all. It’s moment to moment, we know all of the history and variables, only we know our family values and feel our intuitions. None of that can come from a book, a study or research. Parents, through sleep deprivation, blossoming into new individuals and being in complete service to this tiny being, have perhaps forgotten just how powerful our inner knowledge can be. All of these philosophies and methods sometimes just instill self doubt when followed like a recipe, as they remove the most important ingredient which is YOU and YOUR CHILD! I’m grateful to all who have shared. I learn as much from things that resonate with me as things that do not, and I happily read them all. This mum realized she needed to listen to herself as well as listen to her baby and then respond as best she could. Yay! Let’s cheer each other on, instead of slamming each other.”

~”My little guy was a frequent night-waker for a long, long time. His napping helped everything balance out, so he got adequate sleep, but indefinitely didn’t for a while! CIO didn’t feel like an option for us because he went straight to a panicked cry when he woke and we didn’t come to him. He needed me in the room for a long while before he could settle himself to sleep. I think he was 18 months when he started truly sleeping through, or at least no longer needing my presence when he woke during the night! I think listening to baby’s cries is key. A mother (or other devoted caregiver) knows the difference between those cries, and knows what an appropriate response is. The method you chose may not be what others chose, and it may not have worked for those families anyway! But if you feel confident you did what was right, and you and your baby are happy, take comfort in that. Best of luck to you!”

~”I had 3 kids under 35months and my 3rd was an atrocious sleeper. But still, I feel I was blessed in that I avoided PND! I know how impossible life was with a tired baby and tired mum. I would never judge another parent – as the baby, the mum, and the circumstances are different for all of us. I do believe that this woman did the right thing for her. I love that Janet not only respects babies, but their parents too. This may not appear ideal to some parents – but get a grip. The child was not subject to abandonment, war, disease or many of the true tragedies that occur in our world. Just a mother trying to cope in the best way she could.”

~”Janet and Sydney- thank you both for sharing this. I didn’t use this method with my son, and going back in time I still would not, but I always love to read how other parents parent and what works for different families.”

Well, I hope these stories are useful for you. If they are not then I hope you find peace with the fact that others believe that this is a healthy path and that mothers everywhere the world are getting the support they need so that their family may thrive. I would love to hear more stories so that others may read them.

The Gift of Sleep: Our Story of Respectful Sleep Learning.

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11-2013 Update: I have recently changed the name of this process and this port to sleep ‘learning’. I received some very negative responses and personal attacks for writing this story but received MORE responses of appreciation as well as sleep learning stories so I have decided to keep this up here. If you would like to read more of these positive responses, please check out this follow-up post.

My two-year-old son sleeps 11-13 hours straight through the night.

You must be thinking that I have an easy baby; I DO NOT! My son is actually quite challenging. This took work, lots and lots and lots of work.

Rewind a year and a half to when my son would wake me every hour to nurse. That’s right, EVERY SINGLE HOUR I would nurse him to sleep for 20 minutes, take 20 minutes to settle myself back to sleep, and then wake up 20 minutes later to do it again. He was never well-rested and felt miserable during the day. I was never well-rested and felt completely and utterly miserable during the day to the point where I battled crippling postpartum depression. We reached a point where we realized that we had created these bad sleep habits and we needed to change before we all fell apart. After many no-cry solutions and failed co-sleeping attempts, after tons of much rocking and shushing this is where we landed! I want to share my story of giving our family the gift of sleep.

Preparation: At four months we had 2 pediatricians and my own naturopath tell us to give some light sleep training a try. We did extensive research and gave the matter a LOT of thought before finally deciding to give it one month; if it didn’t work we’d try something else. First, we talked to our son about the change and made his sleep space really nice and peaceful. My husband and I sat and wrote down a plan based on the books Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems and Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. Our overall plan was to listen to him and learn how to discern sleepy cries from sad or hurting cries. His best interest was always in our minds so we would ask ourselves: “Will it serve him if we go in or if we stay out.” Here is a really great post on how to prepare for such a change.

Application: The first night was hard, he cried for about an hour as we went in at 3-5 minute intervals. He woke often. I cried too. I nursed him no more than every 3 hours and my husband went in when it was not time to nurse. Each time he woke he cried for another 30 minutes.

The second night he cried for 30 minutes and we went in at 5-10 minute intervals. He woke 3 times that night. Each time I nursed him and put him to sleep awake and he cries for 30 minutes, my husband went in at 5-10 minute intervals and reassured him.

The third night he cried for 15 minutes and then slept for 5 hours before waking to nurse. After being nursed he cried for 15 minutes and then slept for another 7 hours!!!! (Side note: I did not sleep straight through because I was used to nursing him frequently and was VERY sore. I did not pump but slept with ice cold wash clothes.)

He continued this pattern for a few weeks and then he reverted back to waking 3 times a night. He went to bed at 6, woke around 11-12 to nurse and then again at 4 and woke for the day at 7.

At 6 months we changed this. I wasn’t sleeping well with the midnight and 4 AM feeding and was beginning to really struggle with postpartum depression (read my story here). So we started doing a “dream feed” him at 10:30 and he slept until 4. When he woke my husband went in and soothed him and he cried for 30 minutes. The next day we did the same and this time, or any time after, he did not wake at 4 to feed again. One main reason why we knew it was okay to cut this 4 AM feeding was because when I would nurse him then, he wouldn’t even drink the milk that I let down. So he’d go back to sleep and I would have to stay up and pump.

At 10 months I was feeling like waking him to fed him was doing him a disservice. He ate plenty of solids during the day and did not seem to need that feeding. One night we experimented and did not wake him and he never woke us either! He slept from 6pm-6am at this point. YAY!

At 11 months he started waking at 5am which was really to early for us, so we made another change. It took us a little while but we realized that we was an 11 hour sleeper most of the time (about 1/3 of the time he sleeps 12 hours and sometimes we even get a 13 hour night!) So we put him down at 7 and after a week of a very tired baby, he started sleeping until 6 again.

NOW, we are at a point where he goes to bed between 7:30-8 and wakes between 6:30-7:30. (Though from time to time when sick, teething or some other random reason he has a hard time napping so this will change a bit.) He will still wake at night (or talk or fuss in his sleep) but now he has the confidence to go back to sleep without our reassurance so we don’t even go in unless his cries say he is hurting or scared. He falls asleep without crying about 50% of the time and will fall asleep within 5 minutes (usually under a minute). About 25 % of the time we sense that he NEEDS our presence to fall asleep so we stay and rub his back. The rest of the time he just WANTS to stay up to play and our presence is actually distracting him, so he will cry when we leave and settle down to sleep on his own (usually when we have guests or family over).

Night is for sleep in our house. It’s very important to let Mommy (and daddy) sleep because I struggle with insomnia and am a very, very light sleeper. I also am NOT a good mother if I am severely sleep deprived. It wasn’t until after this process that I realized that my son is a light sleeper too. He wakes a lot from little sounds and now he is able to drift back to sleep easier knowing that he has learned this skill.

Helping my son learn to fall asleep was one of the best things we have done for him and for us thus far. It was very hard emotionally during this process because I had been taught to fear my sons voice and had to learn to let that go and actually listen to what he was saying. We did not CIO, we listened and respected his cries; every night before I leave I tell him that “I am always listening and will be here if you really need me.” This isn’t a science or a set method, this is simply our realization that our son cries before going to sleep sometimes and that our instincts will guide us on how to support him.

Want to read more stories about sleep learning?

Mama Eve on Sleep – “I was so wrapped up in making sure I comforted my children, and let them know I was there for them, and “helping” them go to sleep that I never realized I was in the way of letting them sleep on their own.”

Science of Mom on Sleep – “At this point, I finally had to admit that my presence wasn’t helping Baby C in her struggle to fall asleep. This is a very difficult thing for a new mother to do. For the first time, I had to accept that I couldn’t buffer her from every struggle in life. She needed a little space to learn to sleep on her own.”

Holistic Squid on Sleep – “Admittedly, in the beginning I missed staying in my own bed through endless nights of nursing. But by only nine weeks, my daughter had begun to sleep from 10pm until 7am, and naps nearly always occurred like clockwork. At bed times my Contented Little Baby would lay down awake and drift off to sleep with a smile.”

Eileen Henry on Sleep – “The second thing I recommend is to try to distinguish between struggle and suffering in the child’s cries. Since struggle is inherent in all development, we can be confident that our child can develop a healthy relationship with struggle by allowing them to have their struggles. If at any time you hear what sounds like suffering, by all means go in and offer soothing and comfort to your child. We will always respond to suffering, but we can do so without “rescuing” or “fixing” the child’s sleep.”

Thank you for reading our story and I hope that it is helpful for you. I tried to be brief so please comment if you have any questions. If you would like to fix any sleep issues you may have and found this helpful, I offer sleep learning coaching. Please read more about this here. 

Intuition vs Information: Thoughts on The Parenting Method War

There is much debate about which parenting method is the ‘right’ one. It seems, at times, that I see wars going on all over the place; CIO vs. co-sleeping, Attachment parenting vs. Babywise, Day care vs. Stay at hom moms, etc. etc. etc. I’ve often thought that perhaps all of this debate is rather pointless. Perhaps all of this parenting advice is just helpful tools or even confirmations for us that we are doing the right thing for our children. We choose the philosophy that resonates with us the most and use that as our guide, and then we have these little people that join us in our world and get everything they need from our own individual styles as parents. They chose US as parents, and naturally we will give them everything they need to become the adults they are meant to be.

I chose a Waldorf/RIE method to follow for my parenting style and my profession. At the heart of Waldorf philosophy, the work we do is primarily of a spiritual nature. This could also be interpreted as intuition if you choose to see it that way. There are actually exercises and meditations we can do to stregthen this spiritual/intuitive quality in us as mothers. Some believe that we all have Spiritual helpers, or Angels, that help guide our way. As a woman who works with young children for my life’s work, I feel that this is so true for me. If I am actively working on my meditative/inner work practice, I am allowing myself to be open to divine intuition to help guide my way from day to day. I’m not thinking about how to work within a certain pre-determined method; I am listening to the moment. During a particularly challenging time, we can wait a few moment before we react and take a deep breath and the answer to the problem might be given to us.

Now, this is what I am experiencing in my work with children and it might be entirely different for everyone else, but the intuition is still there for each of us.  Whether you are following Angels and intuition or following a book, you are following your heart and doing exactly the right thing for YOUR children. Can you imagine a world where, instead of criticism and blame, we are surrounded by support and understanding? Can you imagine being out in public and not feeling self-conscious of your parenting but feeling empowered by the people around us? What are you thoughts on how to bring acceptance and trust for every mother and her own individual parenting method?