Before my son was born I have had a long journey with my own faith in God. I was raised in a household that did not speak much of the spiritual world, though I was never hindered and always had a sense that I was protected and cared for by something greater than what I found in front of me. At some point I must have heard of prayer as I remember doing this as a child. When I went to college I never lost faith in God, but stopped turning to my faith and my prayers to guide my life. I accomplished MUCH in my early twenties owed to what I thought was my own strength with just a dash of something greater than myself. I was conceited though and mostly just thought of how awesome I was because of everything that I could do.
Then came the dark times. We all have dark times, but this is the dark time of my spirituality. I met the man that would become my husband and we never spoke of faith. The more we got involved, the more I realized that he had apathy and resistance to faith. He was very logical; I say was becasue that has changed and has since strengthened our marriage. But during these times whenever I would rely on my faith that always sat there waiting, he would have a HUGE problem with this. He did not understand how I could just assume that ‘things would work out.’ My answer was that I didn’t know, but they do always, always work out for some reason I could not explain. So I burried my faith deep within and suddenly God was worlds away, always watching me of course, but I wasn’t watching Him.
Then I went to Waldorf Teacher Training. That was a mind blowing, no, mind obliterating experience. We were challenged to deeply ponder our spiritual views through movement, art, literature, meditative work, poetry, philosophy, singing, speech and group work. During the foundation year I walked through the eye of the needle and came out what I can only describe as a more complete version of myself. I shed a LOT of the ridiculous and stupid parts of myself. I also came out knowing a bit more of what I wanted in life, which was a working and daily relationship with God. I missed Him and wanted Him back, but I still sat silently wanting….wanting something I did not have a clue how to get. I still had an inner battle with my husband who I did not feel comfortable sharing this with. Then in my second year of teacher training…BOOM…like a bomb (I literally had a dream of a nuclear explosion) I knew deep in my heart that I had a child waiting to come to us. I don’t know how to explain this, but I KNEW! Then over the next 10 months I prayed and journeled to God and to my son that was waiting. In those months I became much more open with my husband that I was spiritual and he needed to find a way to at least support me in this. He didn’t have to understand or even become spiritual but he HAD to realize that I had a connection and my faith-based decisions must be respected. Slowely he must have heard me, really heard me, because against all of the practical things in life he decided that it was time to let this person into our lives…the next month I was pregnant.
When my Son was born, it became obvious that I needed God in order to raise my child, I needed information that was fr more intelligent and divine than I had in my meager sleep-deprived brain. I knew I needed to deepen my relationship but somehow really struggled with feeling close to God, or as close as I felt I could be. As a Waldorf teacher, we work a lot with the qualities of Christ in ourselves. In the teacher training it was not necessary to become a Christian, but looking at how Jesus lived his life in forgiveness, compassion, understanding, empathy etc and trying to be like this as a teacher is essential. We must understand the children and think of them and what they need and see how we can be better for them. So intellectually I was trying to have these qualities. Then on the other side I had my wanting to speak to God. Wanting…because I don’t think I heard him then. I think I strived and was constantly wanting more. This is hard to describe but I feel that it was a slowely igniting fire that I didn’t notice until it was blazing and engulfing my life. Like in the back of my mind and heart there was this tapping that I was confused about. I was still trying to be like Christ, but I never connected that to my spirituality. Weird, I know!
Within the course of a year my whole life turned upside down. I realized that our current life in Seattle devoid of community and full of empty busyness was the opposite of what we needed to survive as a family, let alone thrive. My husband followed his insticts and we came to portland to be near my best friend’s family. I decided to work less and focus more energy on my own family and self care. We found a church that we absolutely love and I began focusing my energy on the community of people I was building around me. Now that I had time in my life I started asking how I could help the people around me. Now I finally had time to slow down and actually work on my relationship with God. I worked more with my spiritual practices and study. I found new questions to ask that led me to places that gave me more questions and more answers. I became more vulnerable and more able to really listen to what I needed to hear. Closer and closer I stepped into the part of my soul that was silently blazing.
Then, one day I saw it. Fires exploding all around me. I turned that corner in my soul and there it was all along. In that moment I knew it had always been there, faithfully waiting for me. The answer to the biggest question I had been asking God. My prayers: “Help me be closer to you. Please help me see the way closer to you. I see you standing there across the deepest chasm and I want to fly across into your arms but I don’t know how.”
Slowly I am shedding the layers of what I have been told about myself by my parents, by society and by my own negative thoughts. I see now the joy in a life lived in compassion and contemplation, a life lived in the service of others. A life where I am a vessel for good that will walk the path lit by God. I want to become a partner with God to raise my children they way they need to be raised. I have always known this about myself but now I am truly making this decision and declaration that my spirituality, my drive and my lifes work are all connected. I am choosing to be reborn as who I am meant to be. I am of course I work in progress and will fail as a mother, a wife, a daughter, a friend and human being over and over, but now I have a hand to hold to find my way back.
I’ve always had faith, but it was about ME. Now it’s about others. Now it is about my husband and above all, its about the children I will be blessed with in this life. Once I found that person in my life, my son, who can only thrive when I put him above everything, I discovered that true selflessness can bring a joy that I never imagined. I always thought I needed God in order to truly see my child, but now I see that it’s more than that; I also needed my son to help me truly see God.