How to Survive Sleep Deprivation and Be a Successful Parent.

970474_10201080480306490_1195714514_nI have no idea. Do you?

Seriously.

Most of us parents have had to deal with short or long term sleep deprivation during our parenting. Whether you have a newborn, a child with sleep issues or you just had to stay up until 2 finishing your novel, we have all been here. After years of off and on insomnia (my child sleeps, I don’t) I have yet to discover the secret.

But here’s what I HAVE discovered (or am constantly working on believing). Even when I am an awful mom with a short fuse, my child still loves me. I just love the viral video going around of the moms who doubt themselves and then see that they are SO amazing in the eyes of their child. They completely love us, so much! 

We are never going to be the mom we want to be. We cannot raise our children in a vacuum free of the unpredictable upsets of daily life. We all WANT to be kinder, more empathetic, have more patience etc; but then your own tired, out-of-control emotions override you and you see the worst parent you can be. You don’t want to wake at 5 and be a mother, you want sleep; you don’t want to read the pre-nap book for the 20th time, you want to go take a nap. Its okay, time to forgive yourself and move on. You’re doing your best and they see this. I’ve been loosing my temper with my son more (preggo hormones+little sleep=bad news!) and feeling absolutely dreadful about this. Last night he got mad at my husband, screamed and ran into his room. A minute later he came out and said “sorry yell daddy. ‘mere, hug”. So there’s the silver lining to my own sleep deprivation. Being grumpy with my son (and apologizing, of course) has shown him the model for being a human being. We make mistakes, we are accountable for our actions, we apologize and move on.

Well, I actually have learned some tricks; little ones that may not make me a perfect parent while super tired, but make things a tad less intense.

1. Drink water, lots of it!

2. Don’t over consume caffeine, it will only make you edgier.

3. Get outside, fresh air will do you good.

4. Don’t dwell on the negative. The more energy you spend fretting over how you are tired or messing up, the less energy you have to parent well.

5. Accept that you will not achieve much. Sit and relax and play with your kids. This may seem super tricky because most of us really want to get stuff done. But the fact is that stuff is not going to get done anyways, so let it go.

6. Lastly, HAVE FUN with your kids. (Here are 15 joyful tips on how to do so) Do silly things that make you all laugh. It will balance out the grumpiness your ids may feel from you and laughter is actually the best medicine.

So please, I would just LOVE to hear how YOU survive the sleep deprivation that comes with parenting. I’m still learning and as always, value your input. :)

 

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The Gift of Sleep Stories: A Respectful Follow-up to my Post on Sleep Learning.

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“Do what you feel in your heart to be right – for you’ll be criticized anyway.” 
― Eleanor Roosevelt

My most recent post about my respectful sleep learning journey has received more attention than any other post I have written. Good attention as well as some scary attention. At first I was tempted to run in fear and close down my Facebook page and blog as conflict makes me nervous, but after reading the good comments again I remembered why I wrote this post in the first place: to help mothers! I had a greater number of mothers who were THANKING me for sharing my story. Excellent! That was exactly what I was hoping for. I was hoping that by sharing my story mothers could feel free to share their own and all of us ‘sleep-training’ moms could have some support for this against-the-grain choice.

My secondary hope was to show that this type of sleep work with babies is often misunderstood. People imagine that we put our babies in bed and then walk away for hours refusing any help, food, soothing, and love of any kind. I know many mothers who have sleep trained and have never heard of such a thing. I don’t call this CIO because it’s not at all. We followed a method in the beginning and then adjusted as we listened and learned more about our son and his different cries. Once we learned to listen, our reactions changed to fit his needs. Most of the negetive comments were about mis-informed mothers who were fearful of crying infants. I think this is the heart of the matter; we all have different views on crying. I believe that crying is not as big of a deal as some of us think. It was this mis-information and fear-mongering about crying that actually stopped me from listening to my instincts about my son in the first place.  It’s very important that that is heard so I’ll say it again: fear-mongering about crying actually stopped me from listening to my own instincts. Once I tuned out this mis-information I finally knew what my son really needed: sleep. He needed sleep and I was getting in the way with all of the interventions he did not want or need. When he cried before sleeping, he was simply expressing that he didn’t like the change. He adjusted in 3 days and that showed us that this was what he needed. To those who fear crying and want to judge my journey I will say this: after the third night of sleep training my son cried far less during the day and the night than he had in his sleep deprived state. We went from literally 8-10 hours a day of crying, fussing and screaming to under 2 hours which is more in the norm for his age at the time! What a better confirmation than that!

What I mostly got from the many, many varied comments was that there are so many moms with stories they wanted to share. Moms that felt safe that I had opened up in a world where ‘babies-crying-to-sleep’ is a very taboo phrase. There were also a few mothers that were SO grateful for my story as it helped confirm their own instincts  So I want to share some of those stories with you now.  I want to be clear that I am not suggesting that this is a course of action for you. I’m ALL for co-sleeping (read my post about it) and Attachment Parenting (read that post here.) it’s just that babies and mothers are different and we all must choose what is right for our family life. My hope is simply to increase the support for mothers who do choose this path. I am suggesting that if you choose to do something like this that you talk to your baby about it then LISTEN. Really try and objectively listen as they will tell you so much more than you can imagine. Their cries are not just problems to be fixed; they are stories that they want you to hear. There will always be those who judge, so hopefully you can tune out those fearful voices and listen to you own. As Janet Lansbury so eloquently put, “Trust your babies and trust yourselves.”

Supportive Sleep Stories:

~”Thank you for sharing your journey. This is such a hot topic and it can be hard to open up to others about it, I find. I did not sleep train my first daughter until she was over 3 years old because of all the worry of trauma I would do to her. Now I realize what a disservice I did by sticking a boob in her mouth every time she cried rather than listening to her and helping her to learn to sleep. Now with our second daughter, I am doing things differently, but old habits die hard! I really like how you laid out what you did with your son at what age. Though I know our journey will be unique, it’s helpful to see the guide-posts of others who’ve traveled ahead. :)”

~”You have no idea how happy I am to read this. I did sleep training with my son. He began sleeping like a champ. He would wake up elated every.single.morning. I felt fantastic! But then I read these articles about CIO. It began to stress me out, and I was so angry at myself for not having researched this more. I worried whether I damaged my little guy. THANK YOU for posting this.”

~”Sleep Training was an integral piece of my recovery from PPD. I too had horrible insomnia and was completely incapable of falling back asleep after my son woke me during the night. My life and family was falling apart due to the insanity brought on by self deprivation. I was so out of it that I didn’t feel comfortable driving for fear of harming myself and my passengers. We were ALL better off after the family started sleeping through the night.”

~”Thanks for sharing your story on this controversial topic- I agree wholeheartedly, my son was sleep-trained at 4ish months and it made such a huge difference in his demeanor during the day- he was so much happier, and napped so much better! (my non-scientific opinion is that if true damage was done, he wouldn’t be smiling more, ya know?), and my second-born has been a dream sleeper since the beginning- pulling 8 hrs at 3 wks old with no effort on my part. But future children will be taught to sleep, and our family will be happier for the effort. Thanks for being brave and taking the flak that will come for sharing your story!”

~”When my daughter was first born we tried to do co-sleeping. Soon into it, it became clear this wasn’t for us. My husband resorted to sleeping in the guest room and baby L was up every few hours. So we made the decision to move her to her crib at one month. She immediately slept better, but I still had a terrible time getting her down for naps etc. So in desperation I went to my doctor because I thought she had reflux or something. The doctor’s advice? “Let her cry.” I wasn’t sure what to think after reading forums online where mothers said anyone who let’s their baby cry is doing irreparable damage, but I felt in my gut this is what we should do. Turns out a little crying before bed is exactly what she needed. She cried (fussed really) for ten minutes and was out. And slept for 11 hours. And has slept 11 hours or more every night since. Naps are a breeze now too. She will fuss for 5-10 minutes prior to 1-2 naps a day. Otherwise she goes down without a sound. It’s her “normal.” She’s an incredibly independent baby and if I try to rock her or go in to soothe her, she just gets angrier. She really wants to be left alone to work it out. Everyone marvels over what a happy baby she is. She is content to play on her own for an hour or more. She never cries other than before sleeping. And greets us with giant smiles when she wakes up. Even more important … I am well-rested and able to enjoy motherhood!”

~”This sounds quite familiar. Quite. Familiar. I could have written it (but you are far more eloquent) We still “work the program” as we call it at 15 months, putting her down in her own space, after a certain bedtime routine, at a certain time with black out curtains and white noise and occasionally if we try to push our luck and keep her out past her bedtime it takes her a few minutes to “work it out” but for 99% of the time she is quiet as a bug when we lay her down. We still might wake up a couple of times with some extra cuddles and rocking when she is teething/sick/traveling but with “the program” we have any issues usually work themselves out within a few days.”

~ “Yes, thank you for sharing your experience. We had a very similar situation in our house (my daughter was waking every 1.5 hours and I thought I was losing my mind), and it took a huge toll on her, myself and my husband. We too decided at four months to sleep train her. By the third night, she feel asleep in 5 minutes, and our lives (all of our lives) were forever changed as everyone was finally getting the sleep they needed. Change is hard for everyone, and no-one that loves their child wants to hear them cry. But we too believed that good sleep was as essential to our daughter as good nutrition and we realized that we were getting in the way of her good sleep. She is now a well rested, very happy, well adjusted toddler (and I do think a HUGE part of that is b/c she’s not tired and can better regulate her emotions). In any event, thank you, as I too have had people criticize us for what we did, but ultimately I truly believe it was what was best for her (I would never have done it otherwise), and I wish more people understood what a struggle it is to come to that conclusion, do what you honestly believe is best, and then have people tell you you are cruel. If we don’t arm our children with the stills to obtain their needs (and in fact continue to get in the way of their needs, if that is what we have concluded we are doing) then what are we accomplishing as parents? My mother always said, you raise your children to leave you. In otherwords, your job as a parent is to arm you children with the skills necessary to be successful in life without you around every second. This for us, was the first test of that reality. Thank you, again, and I applaud you for doing what I know is so very hard. I know for us, it remains one of the hardest things we’ve ever done. And sleep well.”

~”I did this with my son as well and it worked. Just like their situation both baby and I were miserable because neither of us were getting good sleep. We were also nursing every hour and co-sleeping. I moved him into his own room with white noise and soothing music. It took us 2 nights and ever since then he has slept 11-12 hours straight every night. I have no regrets and if I have a second child I will do it again if necessary. Unlike the author of this post my son doesn’t cry to sleep at all anymore. I do still rock him to sleep and when I put him down in his crib he rolls over and snuggles in for the night. When he wakes he coos or ‘sings’. But no more crying at all.”
~”I’ve been there and done the exact same thing  Thanks for sharing it in such a beautiful way, Sydney.”

~”I was left with my newborn only 21 days old and had no help. My family is no where near and my fiance’s work forced him to travel to Korea. In that instance my son was getting the worst of me and he wasn’t thriving either. Now, after the sleep training he is happy, healthy, well adjusted and rested.”

~Sydney thank you for sharing your sleep story. Its such a huge deal for us as mums and in my case became an all consuming and miserable nightmare, being up every 2 hours rocking my 10 month old to sleep because I was worried about the effects of crying and the vitriol on the Internet about CIO. The thing is, he cried a lot. Every time he woke up, until I had rocked him back to sleep. During the day he cried because he was overtired. I cried a lot as well. It was ridiculous and once I finally made the decision to stop all sleep props and let him sleep without needing me we had rapid success. I was hindering him, and not being respectful in allowing him the ability to put himself to sleep which is what he needed. Go you for working at giving your baby this gift of independant sleep at a young age and recognizing your own limits!”

~”What a brilliant point about not letting him CIO but respecting his cries. We struggled with 1-3hrly waking for 18 months and through a similar process are now enjoying 11ish solid hours of sleep. More importantly, we have a happier, more attached little boy. He knows we will go to him if he needs us but that we respect him enough to allow the space to settle alone. It is the greatest thing we’ve ever done and it was a joy reading this article and hearing another mums perspective. Thank you.”

~”My eldest was the same we used the same method- when you can distinguish between cries. My middle child always went to sleep awake from 8 weeks and happily went to sleep, my youngest at 4 weeks (sleeping in our room) currently needs winding down to sleep as he is so alert- and right now has a blanket draped over his head to assist while I hold him or sling him. Each child is different. And what works for one mightn’t work for another.

~”I applaud this mother for recognizing that she was unable to continue healthy parenting with the continuous night waking/night feeding. I really want to stress here that every person is different. There are Moms who can wake up/nurse all night long, and seem to be totally fine and jolly the next day. I was not one of them. I was like this mother. At 9 mos. I had not slept more than 2 hours in a row since labor…Our son was absolutely CLUELESS about “how” to sleep. I was on the brink of a nervous breakdown. Now who does that serve to continue if that is how I was feeling? Would my son have been better off if I was hospitalized? Was I just a weak human who never should have had a baby in the first place? We did “sleep teaching” at 9 mos. and it was the best thing for him and us. He is 24 now and he was not “damaged” by it whatsoever. Everything transformed after that — and for the better. I began to heal physically & mentally, he was not fussy and out of sorts every day. He started taking wonderful daily naps so we could actually take outings the next day and do fun things together. It was like a darkness lifted and we let the light in. I’m a Chinese Medicine Practitioner and I cannot emphasize enough how important the yin time is — night…Quiet, sleep, restoration. We need this for the yang time — day….Active, awake, creating. I saw this as a health issue for me and our baby. I am NOT a supporter of letting a newborn cry it out — not at all. But at some point for many of us there comes a breaking point, and we have to honor and respect that we have reached it and do what is right for our health and wellbeing. Please, please don’t judge or call me a bad, “mean” mother. The way we did it was very similar to this family’s version. There was some crying, yes, but we talked to our son every step of the way, comforted him, shed our own tears when he cried, and ultimately triumphed in creating a sleep schedule that kept everybody happy, healthy, and sane!”

~”I can relate to this story and went through a similar process. I found The Sleep Easy Solution (sleepyplanet.com) to be better than both books mentioned in this piece, it brings all of the scientific information together, addresses the emotions of babies and parents and gives you a clear way to make a plan. Friends have found it helpful too. Sydney is generous to share her story, thanks for sharing.”

~”This was very similar to how we sleep trained (I prefer sleep aided) our first son. Our second son has been harder work as he is much more vocal and I feel that he is more needy. However my first born, who slept through the night at 5 weeks is now a terrible night sleeper. We’ve gone through lots of changes in our life recently though and we will be moving into a new house this month (so more change) but this post has reminded me that I am not being a horrible mother by thinking that both mum and dad NEED sleep as much as the boys! I am a monster without sleep and everything else falls by the way side if I am not rested. Once we are settled in our new home I will be applying some sleep aiding techniques for both my boys. Thank you for the read and the reminder. On another note Sydney, thank you for being courageous and sharing this. I wish people would appreciate each other and everyone’s life experience more than they do. We are all different and that is what makes the world go round. You are making the world go round Sydney.”

~ “Sydney – I did the same thing with my daughter after trying everything else co-sleeping, rocking – yes, everything, and it was the only thing that worked! AND you know what, I’d do it again! So people can be as judgy as they like. My daughter is a happy, healthy child who doesn’t feel abandoned or unloved.

Don’t agree? That’s okay! Here are some great comments that I felt created a great space for respect during disagreement.

~”Thank you Janet for creating this space to share and learn. And to every parent who is honest and vulnerable enough to share. It takes courage to speak our truths, especially in a social media forum. We are in the thick of a nap strike all day long with our 10 month old, though he sleeps beautifully at night, so I was curious about this article. Although after reading the comments, I’m inspired to share about the comments themselves. What I like most about conversations and online communities like this one, is the large variety of experiences and stories. I respect that we, as parents, connect to certain philosophies or methods that resonate with us. Let’s also remember that our own inner wisdom might be the best handbook of all. It’s moment to moment, we know all of the history and variables, only we know our family values and feel our intuitions. None of that can come from a book, a study or research. Parents, through sleep deprivation, blossoming into new individuals and being in complete service to this tiny being, have perhaps forgotten just how powerful our inner knowledge can be. All of these philosophies and methods sometimes just instill self doubt when followed like a recipe, as they remove the most important ingredient which is YOU and YOUR CHILD! I’m grateful to all who have shared. I learn as much from things that resonate with me as things that do not, and I happily read them all. This mum realized she needed to listen to herself as well as listen to her baby and then respond as best she could. Yay! Let’s cheer each other on, instead of slamming each other.”

~”My little guy was a frequent night-waker for a long, long time. His napping helped everything balance out, so he got adequate sleep, but indefinitely didn’t for a while! CIO didn’t feel like an option for us because he went straight to a panicked cry when he woke and we didn’t come to him. He needed me in the room for a long while before he could settle himself to sleep. I think he was 18 months when he started truly sleeping through, or at least no longer needing my presence when he woke during the night! I think listening to baby’s cries is key. A mother (or other devoted caregiver) knows the difference between those cries, and knows what an appropriate response is. The method you chose may not be what others chose, and it may not have worked for those families anyway! But if you feel confident you did what was right, and you and your baby are happy, take comfort in that. Best of luck to you!”

~”I had 3 kids under 35months and my 3rd was an atrocious sleeper. But still, I feel I was blessed in that I avoided PND! I know how impossible life was with a tired baby and tired mum. I would never judge another parent – as the baby, the mum, and the circumstances are different for all of us. I do believe that this woman did the right thing for her. I love that Janet not only respects babies, but their parents too. This may not appear ideal to some parents – but get a grip. The child was not subject to abandonment, war, disease or many of the true tragedies that occur in our world. Just a mother trying to cope in the best way she could.”

~”Janet and Sydney- thank you both for sharing this. I didn’t use this method with my son, and going back in time I still would not, but I always love to read how other parents parent and what works for different families.”

Well, I hope these stories are useful for you. If they are not then I hope you find peace with the fact that others believe that this is a healthy path and that mothers everywhere the world are getting the support they need so that their family may thrive. I would love to hear more stories so that others may read them.

The Gift of Sleep: Our Story of Respectful Sleep Learning.

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11-2013 Update: I have recently changed the name of this process and this port to sleep ‘learning’. I received some very negative responses and personal attacks for writing this story but received MORE responses of appreciation as well as sleep learning stories so I have decided to keep this up here. If you would like to read more of these positive responses, please check out this follow-up post.

My two-year-old son sleeps 11-13 hours straight through the night.

You must be thinking that I have an easy baby; I DO NOT! My son is actually quite challenging. This took work, lots and lots and lots of work.

Rewind a year and a half to when my son would wake me every hour to nurse. That’s right, EVERY SINGLE HOUR I would nurse him to sleep for 20 minutes, take 20 minutes to settle myself back to sleep, and then wake up 20 minutes later to do it again. He was never well-rested and felt miserable during the day. I was never well-rested and felt completely and utterly miserable during the day to the point where I battled crippling postpartum depression. We reached a point where we realized that we had created these bad sleep habits and we needed to change before we all fell apart. After many no-cry solutions and failed co-sleeping attempts, after tons of much rocking and shushing this is where we landed! I want to share my story of giving our family the gift of sleep.

Preparation: At four months we had 2 pediatricians and my own naturopath tell us to give some light sleep training a try. We did extensive research and gave the matter a LOT of thought before finally deciding to give it one month; if it didn’t work we’d try something else. First, we talked to our son about the change and made his sleep space really nice and peaceful. My husband and I sat and wrote down a plan based on the books Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems and Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. Our overall plan was to listen to him and learn how to discern sleepy cries from sad or hurting cries. His best interest was always in our minds so we would ask ourselves: “Will it serve him if we go in or if we stay out.” Here is a really great post on how to prepare for such a change.

Application: The first night was hard, he cried for about an hour as we went in at 3-5 minute intervals. He woke often. I cried too. I nursed him no more than every 3 hours and my husband went in when it was not time to nurse. Each time he woke he cried for another 30 minutes.

The second night he cried for 30 minutes and we went in at 5-10 minute intervals. He woke 3 times that night. Each time I nursed him and put him to sleep awake and he cries for 30 minutes, my husband went in at 5-10 minute intervals and reassured him.

The third night he cried for 15 minutes and then slept for 5 hours before waking to nurse. After being nursed he cried for 15 minutes and then slept for another 7 hours!!!! (Side note: I did not sleep straight through because I was used to nursing him frequently and was VERY sore. I did not pump but slept with ice cold wash clothes.)

He continued this pattern for a few weeks and then he reverted back to waking 3 times a night. He went to bed at 6, woke around 11-12 to nurse and then again at 4 and woke for the day at 7.

At 6 months we changed this. I wasn’t sleeping well with the midnight and 4 AM feeding and was beginning to really struggle with postpartum depression (read my story here). So we started doing a “dream feed” him at 10:30 and he slept until 4. When he woke my husband went in and soothed him and he cried for 30 minutes. The next day we did the same and this time, or any time after, he did not wake at 4 to feed again. One main reason why we knew it was okay to cut this 4 AM feeding was because when I would nurse him then, he wouldn’t even drink the milk that I let down. So he’d go back to sleep and I would have to stay up and pump.

At 10 months I was feeling like waking him to fed him was doing him a disservice. He ate plenty of solids during the day and did not seem to need that feeding. One night we experimented and did not wake him and he never woke us either! He slept from 6pm-6am at this point. YAY!

At 11 months he started waking at 5am which was really to early for us, so we made another change. It took us a little while but we realized that we was an 11 hour sleeper most of the time (about 1/3 of the time he sleeps 12 hours and sometimes we even get a 13 hour night!) So we put him down at 7 and after a week of a very tired baby, he started sleeping until 6 again.

NOW, we are at a point where he goes to bed between 7:30-8 and wakes between 6:30-7:30. (Though from time to time when sick, teething or some other random reason he has a hard time napping so this will change a bit.) He will still wake at night (or talk or fuss in his sleep) but now he has the confidence to go back to sleep without our reassurance so we don’t even go in unless his cries say he is hurting or scared. He falls asleep without crying about 50% of the time and will fall asleep within 5 minutes (usually under a minute). About 25 % of the time we sense that he NEEDS our presence to fall asleep so we stay and rub his back. The rest of the time he just WANTS to stay up to play and our presence is actually distracting him, so he will cry when we leave and settle down to sleep on his own (usually when we have guests or family over).

Night is for sleep in our house. It’s very important to let Mommy (and daddy) sleep because I struggle with insomnia and am a very, very light sleeper. I also am NOT a good mother if I am severely sleep deprived. It wasn’t until after this process that I realized that my son is a light sleeper too. He wakes a lot from little sounds and now he is able to drift back to sleep easier knowing that he has learned this skill.

Helping my son learn to fall asleep was one of the best things we have done for him and for us thus far. It was very hard emotionally during this process because I had been taught to fear my sons voice and had to learn to let that go and actually listen to what he was saying. We did not CIO, we listened and respected his cries; every night before I leave I tell him that “I am always listening and will be here if you really need me.” This isn’t a science or a set method, this is simply our realization that our son cries before going to sleep sometimes and that our instincts will guide us on how to support him.

Want to read more stories about sleep learning?

Mama Eve on Sleep – “I was so wrapped up in making sure I comforted my children, and let them know I was there for them, and “helping” them go to sleep that I never realized I was in the way of letting them sleep on their own.”

Science of Mom on Sleep – “At this point, I finally had to admit that my presence wasn’t helping Baby C in her struggle to fall asleep. This is a very difficult thing for a new mother to do. For the first time, I had to accept that I couldn’t buffer her from every struggle in life. She needed a little space to learn to sleep on her own.”

Holistic Squid on Sleep – “Admittedly, in the beginning I missed staying in my own bed through endless nights of nursing. But by only nine weeks, my daughter had begun to sleep from 10pm until 7am, and naps nearly always occurred like clockwork. At bed times my Contented Little Baby would lay down awake and drift off to sleep with a smile.”

Eileen Henry on Sleep – “The second thing I recommend is to try to distinguish between struggle and suffering in the child’s cries. Since struggle is inherent in all development, we can be confident that our child can develop a healthy relationship with struggle by allowing them to have their struggles. If at any time you hear what sounds like suffering, by all means go in and offer soothing and comfort to your child. We will always respond to suffering, but we can do so without “rescuing” or “fixing” the child’s sleep.”

Thank you for reading our story and I hope that it is helpful for you. I tried to be brief so please comment if you have any questions. If you would like to fix any sleep issues you may have and found this helpful, I offer sleep learning coaching. Please read more about this here. 

Love, Respect and Disagreement

I don’t have to agree with you to love and respect you.This is a phrase that I have been pondering lately. I find that it applies to two areas in my motherhood, my relationship to children and especially my relationship with other parents, caregivers and friends.

With children, there are many things we disagree with on a daily basis, like whether or not shoes should be worn outside, or if we should feed the dogs our dinner, or if it’s a good idea to eat bugs that are found in the dirt. “I don’t want you to do that.”  Is a phrase that I say more often, but I would like to start saying “I don’t agree with that.” I like the latter because in that instance it implies that both myself and the child have opinions that matter. When I simply say that I don’t want something to happen, while being honest, I am still never allowing room for negotiation when it’s appropriate. There is never negotiation when it comes to health and safety, but perhaps eating bugs is something I can learn to understand even though it is SO gross to me. I have a boy, so I will have to learn to tolerate the gross. :) As Magda Gerber of RIE says: “Respect is the basis of the RIE hilosophy. We not only respect babies, we demonstrate our respect every time we interact with them. Respecting a child means treating even the youngest infant as a unique human being.

With adults, there are always things we disagree on, especially when it comes to parenting philosophies. We will never be in complete agreement with anyone because there are so many intricicities to parenting, well, to life actually! This is where it is important to say to another person, “You may not agree with this point of view and that is okay.” With all of my experience and information I have a great deal of opinions and ideas about parenting that I love to share, but this does not mean that I am ever right or better in my views. I recently had a conversation with a good friend about spanking and how I am not at all for spanking and she is. I really wrestled with this for awhile (and still am) but I am determined to come to a place where I accept and trust her point of view on the matter. I still love and respect that mother dearly, and her choice is her own. As a mother, teacher, nanny and friend, I will always strive to view any other parents choices in a positive light and come to peace with their choices.

I very much believe that our children come to us for a reason, for all of our good and all of the mistakes we will make as parents. It is our job to love and respect our children unconditionally throughout their lives, even when we completely disagree with their actions and our job as grow-up children to strive to see the good in our own parents. Perhaps we can work to extend this task to our parent peers as well; to learn to respect other parents choices and strive to remove our judgement of them. In doing this, our hearts may be lighter and our children may learn from our effort to be better human beings.

Here are a few GREAT books for working with your children: Dear Parent: Caring for Infants with Respect, By Magda Gerber and Bringing up Bebe, by Pamela Drukerman.

Here is a great book that will help remove judgement and cultivate love: The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz. (Or read brief summery here)

Those are only a few books and I would LOVE to learn about more books to help me on this quest.

 

What are your thoughts? Does this seem like an impossible task to you or something to strive for? What would be something that you would struggle with in others parenting choices?