Holding Baby with your Heart: No Babywearing Required!

To begin, I would not describe myself as a babywearer, but I do wear my 9 month old from time to time. For instance, it is much more convenient than a stroller when going in and out of shops. It is also a necessity when I garden in the front of my house, as he would crawl away and get into the less baby friendly plants I have there. When he was a newborn I held and wore him quite a bit for my own comfort, but I always made sure that he had time on his back on his own to move his body. I recently read an article suggesting that babies NEED to be worn in a carrier for the first 9 months of their lives; I do not agree with. I do not agree that we are neglecting our babies basic needs if we give them time on their own, in fact, I believe that we ARE meeting their needs when we allow independence to freely move their new bodies and experience the new world on their own.

“Young babies need both to be held and to be able to move freely in their cribs. Often parents believe holding is good, being left alone in a crib is not. I believe babies need both. There are sound physiological reasons why a newborn should not be held all of the time. To begin with, he must adapt to his new capabilities outside of the womb, by kicking, stretching, curling and uncurling his body. IN a crib (or playpen) he can do this at will-and with ease.” ~Magda Gerber

The thing that got to me a bit in this article was how it criticizes the idea that infants CAN be happy alone in a crib or on a blanket. Some babies, such as mine, were OVER stimulated being held by us all the time. When we finally listened to him instead of listening to parenting methods and books, we found that he thrived from having time to himself. That being said, she does point out a lot of positive things about what babies need. She speaks of the simplicity and quiet that newborns need and the importance of touch in infancy and childhood. I think that it is good to have this information for balance; between giving them physical and emotional attention as well then letting them have some space to themselves. Wear your baby from time to time if that is what you like, but perhaps think of the benefit even tiny newborns might receive from even 5 minute intervals of time alone (in a safe place) on their backs to move on their own accord. Lisa Sunbury articulates nicely: “Ideally, young babies are placed on their back not just for sleep, but for play time as well, because this is the position that most supports their bodies, and in which they are most relaxed, and free to move.”

I believe that Elizabeth, the author of this article, does make a good point, babies DO need a more womb-like protection for the first year (or more) of their lives. But this does not necessarily have to mean a physical womb-like protection. There is a kind of ‘holding’ we can do as mothers and caretakers that takes place in our hearts and minds; we can create an atmosphere for the child that is filled with the warmth and protection they need. When my son is out on his own in the space around me, I am always ‘holding’ him with me; in the way I move and the songs I sing and even in my quiet meditative thoughts (when I can keep them calm and tame that is). In Anthroposphy, the image of the Madonna and child is a meditation for how we relate to young children. I interpret this as creating a peaceful and spiritual ambiance for the child as well as a protective, loving presence in our actions and our thoughts. Even in how we work with our environment and objects within by carefully handling everything with slow, patient movements to imbue the entire space with peace and calm.

Magda spoke of how when we sit and observe our children in their triumphs and challenges, sharing in their discovery of their unfolding world, this is how we give them the quality time they need. On one of Janet Lansbury’s blog posts, she writes about how “wants nothing” quality time “can encompass a wide range of experiences, but all we are asked to do is pay attention and have no agenda of our own. It can mean being quietly available as a baby explores patterns of light on a blanket beneath him, or standing nearby while he has a screaming meltdown because he cannot have another cookie. It may be trickier to see the benefit for parents and caregivers in this latter scenario, but it is clarity. When we pay full attention to our child for intervals each day, no matter what the tone of our exchange or the outcome is, we are giving him the quality time he needs. We are doing our job.”

It is in these quiet movements of reflective observation that we can connect with these new beings. We can create a “womb-like” and spiritual environment for our little ones and create connection through observation. It is with these two things in mind that I spent my time with young children as a teacher and now with my son as a mother.

If you do choose to wear you baby around a lot, spine safety for the infant must be taken into account, as well as proper posture for the wearer. There are certain carriers and positions that could be harmful for your child, such as forward facing positions and unsupportive/uncomfortable slings and wraps. I think baby-wearing is a matter of ones own choice, it works for some and that is fine but when physically holding your baby around the clock doesn’t work for you anymore, that is just fine as well and you will both benefit from some space.

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8 thoughts on “Holding Baby with your Heart: No Babywearing Required!

  1. I love the way you describe the creation of a positive spiritual ambiance. I like to think sometimes of carefully packing something precious. Our daughter is wrapped up first in the love that her father and I have for her. We three as a family are wrapped in the love of our family, friends, and community. And all of us here in this world are cradled in the loving hands of God. With so much love and security surrounding her, I feel that our daughter will be safe even as we giver space to explore her world with some measure of independence.

  2. I love this article so much. Your writing is imbued with the same attentive, loving calm that you describe as the ideal environment for babies. I disagree philosophically with baby wearing as a “must” for healthy bonding– as if there were a one-size-fits-all prescription for bonding between every parent and child in the world. But I wholeheartedly agree with your (and Magda Gerber’s) advice to move with deliberate care and imbue the environment around you with care. Before every nap and at bedtime, I have a little mantra that I say to my boys, where I describe that they are totally safe, totally protected, and that we watch over them and will be there if they need anything at all. But this article is a great reminder to intentionally “hold the space” at other times of the day as well, such as during wants nothing time, and when we are out and about. When I remember to do this, I know that my boys sense it, because they respond with smiles and calmer demeanor, and any upsets that happen are more easily resolved.

  3. are you familiar with the lovely Circle of Security program. It very nicely and accessibly translated years of attachment research into lovely info for parents with some key concepts of “holding” and “containing” and the parents being represented by the hands (ie a safe base and a secure haven). It talks about us as parents always aiming to be bigger kinder stronger and wiser than our children, wherever possible meeting their needs (for exploration, for comfort, to be delighted in, to be protected, help, to organise their feelings etc) and whenever necessary to set limits. It is beautiful. Google Circle of Security (Kent Hoffman and Bert Powell) if you want more info or happy to be contacted to share some handouts more info on it if you are interested.

  4. Pingback: ‘Holding’ Her Through the Tears

  5. Pingback: Attachment Parenting Deconstructed: How I Transformed My Fear of AP Into Love. « Learning Motherhood

  6. Pingback: Why RIE? | Learning Parenthood

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